Toby Burns: The First Case
by Brododile
Summary: Toby Burns is an exorcist who is a little on the crazy side. He is called by the owner of a hotel to take care of a demon that has taken up residence in the hotel. Armed with only a glove, flask of holy water, and a bat he aims to take the demon down and prove that he can do the job.


"You sure about this?'', His voice was shaky because he already knew what was behind the door. "We could just call someone and let them deal with it."

"No, I have to be sure before spending the money on an exorcist." He gripped the knob noting how cold it felt and slowly turned it as a knot rose in his throat. The door swung slightly open and he entered closing the door behind him. Just a few short minutes later he came flying out with a chair following right behind him. The chair caught him and spun around slamming its back into the wall with him facing the now closed room. A muffled laugh could be heard behind the door. The man sitting in the chair was visibly disturbed at the event. "Ok", he said, "Get me the number to the exorcist."

That night there were ten people in the bar of the "Mary Sue" hotel. There was the two owners, Mr. James Owens and Mr. Mark Daniels (Mark was the one who was made to sit down before the entity, he was now noticeably standing in the corner.) Behind the bar stood the bartender Jennifer "Jen" Kelly. The rest, well have a listen and we'll hear about them.

"Thank you all for staying at our little hotel this evening", Owens spoke with much more gusto than his earlier shakiness would make one think he was capable of. "It is tradition here for us to have our guests to get to know each other during their stay here as to better commit to the feeling of community. By know you know Mr. Daniels, Ms. Kelly, and I fairly well and now we ask you might you all be?" He gestured to the family sitting closest to him.

"Well sir we are the Korey family", the man spoke with a slight southern accent, "This here is my wife Susan, my boy Greg, and me, well my name is Chuck but I've always been fond of my nick name Woody." He gave a little laugh amused at the old memories of how his nick name came to be, a name that really only started because something about a play on words with wood chucks.

"Nice to meet you Korey family", Daniels finally spoke up although if you paid attention you could tell a hint of worry in his voice. "And you young gentlemen? Who might you be?" he said waving his hand palm up at the college aged guys sitting toward the middle of the room.

"Us? We're just brothers going on a road trip that we take every year through the states. We go by Micheal and Leon, Jones is the last name." Micheal was the one who spoke, "My brother is a bit shy don't mind him he'll warm up eventually. Leon gave a little smile and nod to everyone in the room. The man in the very back corner raised his glass of milk to him as to say "cheers" and took a swig.

"Pleasure to meet you both", Daniels smiled back, "We hope you enjoy our company Mr. Leon", he did a slight bow at this. "I'm terribly sorry to bother you sir you seem busy but I'd like to ask you the same", He walked over to the man combing through a bunch of papers to get his attention.

"Oh me? Sorry I don't mean to be rude I'm just trying to get this draft in order. I'm a writer, I'm travelling hoping to find something to give my story that something its missing", he gave an apologetic smile to the man looking at him. "My name's Brian Sims, nice to meet you all."

A laugh came from the man in the corner. "Something funny Father?" Owens said with a more stern voice.

"Don't call me father, it makes me feel like you're my kid when you're obviously older than me, gives me a Benjamin Button vibe that gives me the willies", he shook to give his words more meaning, "And yes the fact that he is looking for a story is quite funny to me."

"Why's that?" Sims asked raising an eye brow.

"Why?", The man said smiling a crazy smile that ran a chill on Sims like it was the devil himself running down his spine. He raised his glass of milk, "because I'm Toby Burns, an exorcist." He chugged the milk down and acted like it burned like liquor slamming the glass back down, "and I'm here for a demon."

"I'm sorry, did he just say demon?", Woody asked. "Are you having a laugh at us mister, thinking we're all simple or something?"

"No not at all dude, I wouldn't be here if they didn't hire me." Burns waved his hand at the three workers. "Although I did just remember they wanted me to keep quiet about it." He sucked through his teeth and mouthed out "sorry."

"Well cat's out of the bag, thanks Father Moron." Jen spoke as if she was talking to a child who was just caught doing something wrong. "Yes", she continued, "We seem to have a demon who decided to take our main office over. We're hoping this man can clear it out."

"Maybe it wanted to help get this place in shape for the summer traveling season." Burns' voice made it seem he was talking about a normal person and not a being capable of vast harm. "Or, maybe it thinks Daniel's is the marrying type."

"Alright that is eno-" Daniel's words were cut short when he saw the empty glass by Burns slowly lifting in the air.

"I'm to take it none of ya'll are doing this right?" Burns pointed his hand out at the glass. He ran his hand under and around it like a magician doing a trick. "There's no strings on me", His sing song voice made it all a bit more creepy. "Oh ok" He shivered, "Anyone else feel funny?" Everyone just looked at him blankly as the glass went flying across the room and slammed into the rack behind the bar. "Oh crap Jen you might want to-" but it was too late Burns went flying over the bar and landed behind it.

Jen looked down in horror but quickly gave everyone a thumb's up showing he would be ok, at least as much as she could tell. He shot up quickly, "I'm sorry it usually takes more than one to give me that flying feeling, I guess it's because I'm getting older." He eyed the room letting his eyes dart back and forth. "Ouch tough crowd tonight eh?"

"Are you quite finished MR. Burns?" Owens was glaring at him. Surely this idiot was not who they really sent to help them, they must have thought it would be a good laugh.

At that moment the cook burst into the room. "Mr. Owens! The pig it it's alive and speaking in tongues." He was visibly frightened.

"Well then", Burns slid a glove onto his right hand and had a wide grin on his face. He looked at the cook, Mr. Daniels, and finally Mr. Owens. "Time for me to fry this piggie."

Burns slowly made his way to the hall that held the double doors leading to the kitchen. He could see a black smog slowly swirling inside as the doors began to open. "Well well well you must be the preacher I've been feeling.", the pig spoke as it strode out of the doors.

"Okay just no seriously? A pig, ten people here and you choose a freaking roasted pig to take over?" Burns was nearly laughing as he spoke. The pig looked at him, not nearly enjoying this as much as the preacher did.

"All you damn humans don't really understand how this all works. You see a body without a soul is much easier to sculpt into whatever you need than one that has one." As the pig spoke his body began to move like maggots were swarming inside it. six legs sprang out from its body lifting it into the air like a twisted mutation of a spider. You could hear as its mouth grew and flesh separated splitting its lower jaw in half showing a throat full of droll splattering down to the floor. "Am I scary yet boy?" The pig spoke gargled words as it slowly crept forward toward him.

"Well it definitely will leave a lasting impression that's for sure", Burns was trying to hide that he was actually a little worried. The thought of getting ripped apart by some weird D&D reject was just something that bummed him out. "Alright piggie" his voice quickly changed to one of confidence, "come to daddy Burns."

The pig shot forward fairly quickly as Burns turned to had a plan, he just needed the time to set the trap. As he passed the bar he made them close and lock the door. At first Owens didn't listen but as soon as the pig came into view climbing toward them on the ceiling he didn't even think twice. The others were of no consequence to the demon though, he wanted the preacher; he wanted the preacher bad. Burns burst into the lobby and decided here would be the best place to try and take it out. he hide behind the counter and pulled out his flask. He held out his right hand palm up revealing the cross on the glove. He opened the flask full of holy water and began pouring it onto the glove. He had a knack for madness but even he was a little worried about what he was about to do. He covered the rest of the golve in the water and waited, it didn't take more than twenty seconds and he looked up and saw the pig looking down at him.

"Any last words priest?" his voice taunting like he had already won.

"Yeah tag you're it." He caught the pig with his gloved hand right under the jaw. The holy water burning like acid the pig let out a scream. His throat opened up letting Burns see deep into it, exactly what he wanted. He pulled his right arm back and shoved it as far as he could into it's throat. The pig recoiled and the pain made his throat tighten again around his hand. "Damn, I didn't think that would work" Burns thought as the pig began thrashing around. Burns moved himself from behind the counter and struggled to keep his balance as he could hear muffled screaming coming from the pig. He saw the black smoke slowly leaking out of it and decided to have a little fun. He slid his left hand under the pig and flipped it onto the floor. As soon as it hit the ground smoke shot out like it exploded and moved swiftly up the stairs toward the main office. Burns started laughing then realized he was going to need help getting his hand out of the pig. He dragged it trailing behind him to the door of the bar and knocked. "Hey so my fist is stuck in the pig's throat. First time that's happened from that end."

"For God's sake Burns there's a kid in here." Owens opened the door and stared at him with the parents Korey glaring at him too.

"Oh, please I'm sure the boy knows what deep throat is." Greg looked down blushing, oh yeah he knew.

"Here I'll help you Father." Daniels made his way over and helped put the pig on the table. After a few minutes Burns' hand was free.

"Hey don't eat that, aside from the whole demon inside of it it's been on the floor and that's just nasty." For the first time Burns looked serious.

"You're an absolute madman" Brian spoke this time shocked at how a man of the cloth could behave like this.

"Hey no, I passed that test. Barely but I still passed." Burns pointed at him and smiling like he had help put his mind at ease. "Now, time to have a chat with the big guy up stairs, but first I need my bat." He began to walk off.

"By big guy you mean?" Owens was genuinely confused at this point.

Burns spun around and just stared at him. "The one I can hit with my bat." He spun back around and walked off.

Burns made his way back in holding what looked like just an average baseball bat with 4 crosses around the top.

"That is what you're going to use? Not some latin bible or other sacred item but a freaking baseball bat?" Owens was stunned.

"Hey now this thing is pretty sacred, the whole process to make it involved an almost burned down church, blessing from 7 different priests, and enough holy water to drown a fully grown man." Burns spoke as if he had been insulted. "This bat is probably the most holy artifact made in the last hundred years, so have some faith if not in it then in me."

"I'm even more terrified of what's going to happen now", Daniels was now drinking a tall cup of what was probably liquor. He downed what was left and muttered "We're screwed."

Burns didn't care. He knew what the bat could do to a demon, he saw it first hand and loved it. He made his way up stairs and stood in front of the office door feeling the cold air pouring out. He took a second to pour some more water on the bat, never hurts to double down on safety. He grabbed the knob and turned it open. The door slid open and he walked in.

"About time, damn I thought you had left there for a bit." A man was sitting behind the table looking quite comfortable. "You know you're a bit on the crazy side for an exorcist." He stood up and walked in front of the table.

"By the business suit I take it you're a deal maker?" Burns noted.

"That's right, on vacation having some fun. Well at least until ... okay seriously? A bat?" The demon looked confused. "What the hell do you think a bat is going to do? I'm a freaking demon. Last time I checked we don't break as easy as you do."

"You'd be surprised actually." Burns laughed a little.

"Alright smart ass I'll tell you what. You get one hit after that I'm going to break that bat in two, shove it deep inside you, drag you down stairs and kill everyone down there in front of you, and finally pull that bat out of you through your throat." The demon's mouth changed a little as he grinned widely.

"Seriously?" Burns asked trying to hold back a laugh. "Are you sure about that? I do have a mean swing."

"Yeah go ahead tough guy. I'm going to enjoy tearing you apart." He took off the jacket to his suit and unbuttoned the top few buttons. "Take your best shot."

"Alright." Burns took a stance in front of him. "You dumb bastard." He swung the bat cracking it right on the demon's jaw.

The demon's head spun around like an owl's and landed back in place, a cross burned deep into his face. He looked stunned . "What the sh-" His head went up and black poured from it and then went sucking back in like a black hole. As he completely disappeared into himself a gust of wind threw Burns back out into the hall with the bat following. He hit the wall and sat there while the bat came flying and hit the wall then stood standing straight up.

"That's insane." Owens was standing at the top of the stairs now looking at the bat.

"I told you it was holy but no just because I freak you out you don't believe me. By the way I don't think he is going to be paying for his stay." Burns pointed into the room, "Mostly because he turned into a black hole, but I think a little of it is because he's a dick."

A few hours later Burns was back on the road, feeling pretty happy with himself over his first case. He glanced at the bat and laughed. "Man a couple more of those and you'll be famous in hell." For Burns nothing in life had ever been as fun as the time he spent face to face with a demon and if he had his way he planned on a long life screwing with them.


End file.
